Friday, November 25, 2011

What's On YOUR Christmas List?

“Found.  Upper denture in Home Depot parking lot.  Call xxx-xxx-xxxx.” 

I read that ad in our local newspaper.  It’s been a few weeks since I read it, but every now and then, for no apparent reason, I start thinking about it.  And then I start worrying about the person who is missing half their teeth and then I start wondering how that happened.  How could a person lose the whole upper portion of their teeth?   In the Home Depot parking lot.  Seriously.  Can you actually lose half of your teeth in a parking lot and not realize it?  Or not manage to find them if you do?

Was it the economy? 
I Tholth you noth tho buy that cheap theneric thenthure cream!  Thee?  The win blew them rith outh of my mouth!  Hey! You thquirrel!  Bring thothe back!

Was it an act of violence? 
I’m so sorry!  I didn’t mean to whack your head with this eight-foot plank but you did tell me to ‘look over there at that cute squirrel’, and I couldn’t see it without turning.  I didn’t hit you too hard did I?  Just a tap?  Wait … where are your (snort) teeth?!

Was it the weather?  We did have some snow around the time I read the ad.  Maybe this person cried out as they were falling on the ice, their denture popped out when they hit the ground, blended in with the blowing snow and was later plowed into a pile where it lay hidden until the warm snap a few days later when it was picked up by an honorable person who placed the ad.

I wonder if this mostly toothless person has seen the ad and called to retrieve their teeth. 

Hello.  I’m calling aboth the theeth.  Do you thill have them?

Let me check.  Hey Janelle!  The idiot who lost their teeth is on the phone.  Do we still have them?

I think I saw the cat carrying them around the other day.  Look under the couch … or in the cat  bed. 

Or maybe they don’t read the paper and they have been searching the Home Depot parking lot, alone, late at night.

Put the flashlight down and step over here sir. 

It’th okay offither.  I’m juth looking for my theeth.

Don’t joke with me, sir.  Tresspassing is a serious offense.

But I’m not trethpathing.  I loth my theeth.

Let's take a ride sir.  Watch your head.

Yesterday, as I was biting off pieces of turkey and homemade dinner rolls and pecan pie I wondered if they were alone for Thanksgiving, forced to eat mushy food.  Did they know what wine complements oatmeal?  It's worrisome.  But here’s what really worries me.  With only half their teeth, how did they grab that little pull tab on the wine bottle?



Abby said...

That's hilarious!

Art Elser said...

Sure hope Dean finds them soon. How did he manage turkey, or did he just stick with the mashed and sweet potatoes, and dressing. I hear losing your teeth like that comes from licking too many rocks. Al's next!!

Deb Evert said...

Haven't you seen the dog commercial with the dog with dentures? I agree with Art - licking too many rocks. However - I suspect that ice chewing will also do it which is a sign of lack of sex...hmmmm.... Maybe the person at Home Depot was missing more than just their dentures!! Deb

Jerry said...

I still have mine