Friday, April 6, 2012

Hans Brinker Should Have Used Silicone

The other day as I was washing my hands in the bathroom at work I looked into the mirror and I saw a small chunk of wax stuck to some strands of my hair.  It was mid-afternoon which meant for the last six hours I’d talked to people, walked past people, worked with people and stood at the sink washing my hands with people, all with a chunk of wax hanging from my hair. 

Spending a day at work with wax dangling off my hair was a little embarrassing, although not as embarrassing as the day a pair of my underwear, stuck in my jeans, worked its way down and dropped out onto my shoe as I was walking across the parking lot at the mall.  But neither of those moments was as embarrassing as the time a large, dried up booger dropped out of my nose while I was talking to somebody at work.  If I had known there was a pebble-sized booger dangling by a nose hair I of course, would have removed it.  But I didn’t know.   So when it fell out of my nose and audibly plunked onto the desk I was surprised and then, so embarrassed I didn’t know how to react.  So I pretended like nothing had happened.  The woman I was talking with had said nothing to me previous to the release of the booger bomb, neither did she say anything when it detonated, but I can only imagine the minute she got away from me she doubled over, snorting hysterically ― and I don’t blame her.  That was truly embarrassing.  But what was even more mortifying was wondering how long my nose had been housing this booger projectile and how many other people I’d talked to before it finally let loose.  Maybe it’s just as well I will never know.

Consequently, even though I spent almost a whole day at work with wax dangling from my hair, I was only a little embarrassed because first of all, worse things have happened to me and secondly, there was a good reason for it ― Spring.  Now that spring has arrived it’s been warm enough outside to sleep with our bedroom windows open which means I’m trying to sleep while the robins are singing their night song, and I’m trying to sleep through the turtle doves as they coo their morning love song.  I’m also trying to sleep through our neighbor’s deep booming voice at approximately 10:00 p.m. when he tells his dogs to “hurry up”, the neighborhood sprinklers which turn on around 3:20 a.m. (or will in a few short weeks), the diesel truck across the street that warms up for 20 minutes early in the morning, and the chainsaw ripping through cords of wood lying next to me in bed.  Sleeping (or not) through that racket leaves me waking up bleary-eyed, cranky and sleep-deprived.

I decided I had to do something.  So I did.  My sister recommended these, and since she is a

long-time experienced user I took her advice and bought them.  The package specifically says to “avoid hair” so the first night I used them I tried really hard to keep my hair out of the way when I plugged my ear with a ball of “silicone putty”.  But while I was sleeping, my hair fell over my ears and when I woke up and pulled out the softened glob, one of them had gotten so stuck to my hair that it dangled like an earring and I ended up pulling some of my hair out before I could free it.  That worried me a little.  I wasn’t convinced the risk of going bald was worth a good night’s sleep.  I wasn’t sure the time it took to pull all those silicone covered hairs out of the glob I’d just released from my hair so I could use it again the next night was worth it either.

The second night I was much more careful.  I slept with my hair pulled back in a hair tie.  The next morning there were only a couple of hairs stuck in the glob.  I still ended up ripping those few hairs from my head when I tried to get the flattened silicone goop out but I felt like I was close to figuring these noise-reducing balls out.   By the third night I had it down.  No hair caught while mashing them in, no hair caught when I took them out.  Baldness averted!

Wadded up balls of “Pillow Soft Silicone” do feel a little strange in my ears for the first few minutes but that doesn’t last long.   Pretty soon I just feel kind of like I’m underwater without the panic I experience when water gets on my face.  I float peacefully through the night oblivious to the muffled sounds around me.  No annoying bird songs or booming voices or rhythmic sprinklers or clattering truck engines jolt me awake.  I barely move because now I don’t have to pull covers, flop from one side to the other, pull covers, flop, pull covers, flop, to get Dean to wake up just enough to turn over and stop snoring.  In my underwater world I don’t even know if the chainsaw is revved up and running next to me anymore. 

I wondered at first if Dean would be grossed out seeing me lie in bed with big globs of white goop in my ears but I don’t imagine ears packed with wax are really going to gross him out any more than seeing my  lower lip protrude after I insert my mouth guard.  Heck, I don’t think he’s even noticed them yet because I’m pretty sure if he had, he would ask me why my ears are bulging with white stuff.  Unless … maybe he’s asked me and I just haven’t heard the muffled question. 

I might be sleeping with globs of white silicone mashed in my ears and a plastic form making my lip look like a National Geographic photograph but at least when I wake up the bags under my eyes are a little smaller.  Of course, if the skin under my eyes isn’t bloated and swollen it reveals more wrinkles but what the heck.  At least I’m not tired.  Unfortunately, now that I’ve discovered how to sleep so hard I drool it’s possible I may, on occasion, accidentally walk around with chunks of wax in my hair.  I know that’s tacky but it could be worse; I could be walking around with a dried up booger perched precariously at the edge of my nostril.


1 comment:

Art Elser said...

You wax eloquent again, Cathy. I think you've forgotten that you work with a bunch of geologists, who always walk around with their eyes on the ground looking for neat rocks to lick. No one will even notice some stuff in your hair.

Have you tried squirting some WD40 on Dean? In the mouth while he's snoring might lubricate those moving parts and keep them a bit more quiet.