Sunday, October 9, 2016

The Brothers Grimm Had A Sister – AKA Construction With Cookies Round Two

Once upon a time in a land where men not only listen but actually hear what their wives are saying, and dogs don’t bark and vomit at three in the morning, there lived a husband and wife.  And it so happened that one day the wife said to the husband, “oh, my dear sweet husband.  I know it’s only been about 3 ½ years since we paid those worker bees to install new windows and oak flooring but do you think you’d have time to frame the windows and put on new baseboards? 

Oh, and as long as you're at it, would you frame those four doors too?  You are so skilled and so meticulous that I know they would be perfect when you were finished.  Plus it would save me lots and lots of money.”  The wife’s husband puffed up his chest with pride and said, “why yes, of course my beautiful wife.  I would say do anything to keep you off my back make you happy because I do love you so.”  And within days all the windows and doors were magically adorned with beautiful frames, baseboards graced the floors and the husband and wife lived happily after.

And now … here’s how it really went down.

So Dean, do you have any idea when you’ll be able to frame these windows and doors put on the baseboards?  I’m happy to help in any way I can. 

I thought you already HAD organized your garage.  No, no.  That’s okay.  If there’s anything I’ve gotten good at during the 44 years I've been married to you it’s being patient.  

What?  You’re taking out the wood-burning barrel stove and having a gas furnace put in?  Really?  You hate noise and a gas furnace is going to blow hot air – and that will be noisy.  And anyway, I don’t think taking it out is going to free up as much space as you think it will.

Wait a minute.  You’re taking off the sheets of metal from the walls?!  But I thought you were so happy the walls were covered in metal because you want to do some welding.  Don’t you think hanging plywood instead of drywall just so you won’t have to look for studs and can hang your tools anywhere you want is a little extreme?  HOW many coats of varnish are you putting on those walls?

Now that’s just not fair.  I understand that the wood around the windows was rotting and they were old and leaky.  I completely agree that you needed to put in all new windows.  But you FRAMED them?!  Yeah … okay … right.  It probably is good practice for you before you come inside and frame windows I really care about.

Hey!  You already have TWO workbenches.  Just because there’s more room without that barrel stove doesn’t mean you need another workbench.  I really don’t think you need one that humongous just to lay out all the framing wood so you can stain it before you cut it. 

Seriously?!  You're painting the ceiling???

Okay, you’re right.  Your no-cars-are-allowed-in-here-garage/workshop does look very neat and organized.  No, no.  I understand.  I just wasn’t expecting it to take four months.  But I’m so excited that now you can begin framing the windows and doors and putting on baseboards. 

What?!!???!!!!  What do you mean you’re going to refinish that antique dental cabinet you got at the auction before you begin working on the windows?  I don’t care if it takes up space in your garage and you need to get it stripped and sanded and stained and shellacked so you can move it into your art room and free up space to work on the wood for the windows.

You know what?  Since you haven’t framed those doors yet I decided to have them replaced.   Because I don’t like them, that’s why. 

Of courses I didn’t NEED to but you didn’t NEED to put in a gas furnace, build a humongous workbench and stain a dental cabinet either.   That’s right.  You smell lemon because while my bees were hard at work putting in the doors I baked them lemon cookies.  Oh, you wanted some?  I'm so sorry.  I gave the worker bees all the left over cookies when they left.

Guess what?  I decided as long as my worker bees were here hanging new doors I’d also have them open up the doorway between the dining room and the family room because a couch won’t fit through that narrow doorway. 

You don’t remember we talked about buying a new couch for the family room?  Huh.  All the fumes from the stripping solution probably killed some of your memory cells.  Maybe it killed your sense of smell too since you didn't smell the chocolate cookies I baked the worker bees.  Nope.  Sorry.   No cookies left.

It’s not my fault they ran into electrical wires when they opened the doorway and they had to call an electrician. 

You should just be glad you weren’t the one who had to crawl around in a sweltering attic rerouting wires.  That electrician really deserved those oatmeal chocolate chip cookies I baked him.  Oh, sorry.  Did you want some?  He took the rest of the cookies with him when he left.

Oh, sure.  I know I could have probably done the drywall work on the door opening but YOU could have also been framing the windows.  I didn't think you’d want any of those frosted lemon cookies so I gave my drywall bee all the rest when he left. 

Oh, I'm sorry.  I forgot to tell you my drywall bee came today to do the final sanding and left before I could give him the rest of the zucchini bread.  Of course you can have some!

You know what?  I’m not going to have the floor where they removed part of the wall patched.  I’m going to have the whole family room laid with oak flooring. That way it’ll match all the rest of the house.  Don’t worry.  I’m saving all that money by having you do all the trim work on the windows and doors, remember? 

Yes, I was a little concerned about not being here to bake for my floor bee since we'll be on vacation when he lays it but I think it will be fine if I bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies and leave them for him.  I've heard we get a snack on the flight out of Sheridan so you don't need to worry about bringing any with you.  Yes, I’m sure he’d love some of your chokecherry jam and syrup.

When we get home from our vacation, since you’ve finished your dental cabinet, I’ll be more than happy to help you any way I can when you put back the family room baseboards and start the trim work.  Yes, yes.  It IS gorgeous.  I was just surprised it took you nearly 12 weeks to finish it. 

Whaaaaat?!!!!!  You think the baseboards you removed from the family room need to be stripped and sanded and re-stained before you put them back????!!!  What do YOU think?

Really.  I feel much better now.  I’ve adjusted to having the very large two-piece china cabinet, file cabinet, liquor cabinet and computer printer stored in the living room and our bedroom.  No, really.  I don’t mind waiting indefinitely to unpack and replace everything that had been in them until you’ve stripped, sanded and stained those baseboards.  

Well since you ask.  I’ve been looking at that counter in the guest bathroom.  If I had that replaced it would sure spruce it up in there.  But I noticed the cabinets are sitting on the counter so I’d need to have those removed first and heck, as long as I have to do that I might as well replace them.  Do you think new cabinets and counter would make the bathtub and tile look old?

Oh, sure.  I know having you trim all those windows and doors for me isn’t saving enough to completely renovate a bathroom.  But ever since we’ve moved in I have been wanting to strip the wallpaper from our bedroom and bathroom and paint the walls.  Although ... if the walls aren’t in great shape I might need to have them textured because I don’t think I want to put wallpaper back up.

Did you say something?  Oh, sorry.  I didn't hear you.  I was sorting through my cookie recipes.



Art Elser said...

I hear that contractors in Sheridan are leaving flyers in your door offering to do all sorts of remodeling work as word of your cookies spreads. And the people in the gyms are grateful also because so many worker bees are coming in to lose pounds they've put on doing work for you.

And here I thought that Al was the only one that moved at the speed of racing tectonic plates. Must be something they teach in geology classes. Perhaps, if Dean gets too unhappy about the lack of leftover cookies, you could gather some rocks from the creek and leave them for him to lick. Maybe a drop of jam or honey on a few would spark his interest.

Needed a good belly laugh this morning as a new week starts. My retirement is fun, but yours is hilarious.

Cathy said...

Oh Art. I'm surrounded by rocks in the house. I'm afraid if I coated them with jam he'd only bring in more! πŸ˜³πŸ˜‰

Abby said...

Did you ever think that maybe if Dad got more cookies he'd do more work? I'll come work for cookies...those pictures are making me hungry!

Deano said...

Good thing I haven't quite gotten to the trim yet! We would have had to take all that trim back off so you could make the changes that you had not really thought of all those years ago when this whole thing started.