Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My Mouth On Drugs

Monday I was temporarily crowned. Unfortunately I didn’t get to wear a beautiful gown, or walk regally down an aisle lined with magnificent bouquets of flowers, dragging the train of my velvet and ermine robe behind me. Nobody reverently placed five pounds of gold and jewels on my head. And I didn’t get to walk back down the aisle looking all queenly to the strains of triumphant music and the applause of my eight followers. Instead of a majestic gown and ermine robe, I wore a paper bib. Instead of a golden crown heavy with jewels, I wore scratched plastic glasses that sparkled with water and tooth bits. Instead of the sweet smell of flowers wafting over me, it was the burned smell unique to pulverized tooth enamel. And instead of jubilant music, I heard loud, disturbing grinding.

I don’t have any phobias or incapacitating fears when it comes to going to the dentist, but I’ll be honest—it’s not my favorite thing to do. My dentist is the king of shot-givers but still, there are other things I would choose over being his pincushion. I suppose it could be nerves, but I think whatever is in that shot he so deftly squirts into my gums makes me a bit loopy. My body begins to feel kind of peculiar. My hands sweat and shake a little bit. I feel tingly, and my legs feel like they wouldn’t hold me if I had to jump out of that chair and run home because I just remembered I needed to feed my cat.

After I’ve been given the shot, and my dentist is sure I’m not going to turn purple or start convulsing, he goes off to brighten another patient’s day, leaving the dental hygienist and me to wait for my face to get numb, my tongue to begin protruding, and the first drop of drool to appear. As we wait, another weird thing starts happening. I start babbling.

Dr. Griffith gives really good shots doesn’t he? He’s the best shot-giver ever. I don’t even feel them. Not a bit. My youngest daughter’s living in Ecuador now. She has iguanas in a tree in her yard. And a kitty. Not in her tree. In her house. Well, it could be in the tree, but mostly it’s in the house. I don’t think she wants it to be in the tree. Iguanas, you know. Although she tells me they eat fruit, not kitties. Did I tell you she’s getting married? In Ecuador. Ecuador is far away. Did you ever think you’d have a child living in Ecuador? I never did. But it’s okay. I’m getting used to it. I am going to take her wedding dress to her when it comes in. We ordered it in October. We don’t know the wedding date yet. We all wish she’d pick a date. So anyway, I’m trying to teach myself Spanish. On the computer and from these little podcasts I have on my mp3 player. I got it from my son-in-law. The computer program. Not the podcasts. Not the mp3 player either. I downloaded the podcasts from the internet. The people on the podcasts are Scottish so they speak English with a Scottish accent. Hahahahah. I went to Scotland once. It was beautiful. They’re helpful, though. I mean the podcasts, not the people. Not that the Scottish people weren’t helpful. They were great. It was easy to talk to them because they spoke English. Not Spanish. So I understood them. Pretty much anyway. I want to be able to at least try and talk to Jorge’s family when we’re there. I know they’ll talk really fast but I think they’ll slow down for me if they know I’m trying. Don’t you think they would do that? We’re taking salsa lessons. Dean and I. Dancing salsa.  Not tomato salsa.  So we can dance at the reception and not look like idiots. So Jorge’s relatives won’t scratch their heads and say, “really? is that a dance?” Turns out we stink, though. I love Skype. I Skype with my daughter so it doesn’t seem like she’s so far away. We used to Skype with our other daughter when she was living in Colorado but now she’s here. It’s so nice to have them in town. I took our grandkids to McDonalds and the park not too long ago. On one of those nice days we had. You know how we get those teaser days and then it snows? It was a teaser day. We used to Skype them but now we don’t have to. Skype is awesome. We all have Skype phones now. So we can call Ecuador all we want. Have you ever used Skype? It’s amazing. Did you know it’s free? It’s like we’re just down the street from each other. Actually, my other daughter is almost just down the street. She lives not too far from here. She has the softest cat in the world. He’s great. My cat’s great too but she’s fat. I like fat cats, though, so I don’t care. Is it okay if I listen to my Spanish lessons while you work on my tooth? I wasn’t sure if the earphones would get in your way. Maybe I can get a lesson in while you’re working. And it’ll distract me from what’s going on. Not that I’m worried. Because Dr. Griffith is a great shot-giver. The best. I don’t feel anything. Do you have something I can use to wipe off this drool?

In a month I go back to be permanently crowned......which means I will once again receive the shot......and probably babble.  I wonder if a small gift would be in order.◦


Anonymous said...

I think I recall a similar babble after a couple martini's. Great laugh. Heidi

abby rose said...

That's hilarious! I wonder what the dentist's assistant thought.

Al said...

Bwaaaaaahahahaha! No wonder you were so quiet when you got back. You had used up all your words for the day. ;-)

Art Elser said...

Is that the same Al who was hitting on the nurse in the dentist's office after getting a similar shot? I'll bet if I told Cathy, she could write it up so it would be even funnier than her experience here. And that is really funny.

Whatcha think Al?

Cathy said...

Really, Al? Hittin' on the nurse while she's got sharp tools in your mouth? You're a brave, brave (or stupid, stupid) man.

Al said...

Now wait a sec. This was not a "similar shot" by any means. It was a full-blown IV + knock-out gas, and I had 4 wisdom teeth pulled. I do not remember a single thing about that afternoon beyond salivating for a Big Mac on the way home and wondering why my mother was being so mean and not stopping to get me one.

Besides, as I understand it, the master of silliness while recovering from anesthesia is Dean. At least, that's my story and defense. ;-)