Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Arrggh! I Be Needin' Food!

There has been a lot happening in our neck of the woods in the past few weeks, not the least of which was Christmas and all that it involves.  There was a harrowing ride to and from the airport as well as ...

cookie frosting ...

figuring out how to transform the transformer ...

cooking ... (for recipe go here)

gift opening ...

relaxing ...

and of course, the expected eating and eating and eating, and, well, more eating.  

As I “forced” myself to eat more and more cookies and breads and candies and wine and trifle and pie and the occasional token carrot, my body did what it had to do to accommodate the cornucopia of foodstuffs I was sending down my gullet.  It (specifically, my belly) stretched to make room.   After weeks of this endless eating I’ve begun to worry I will be forced to shop for larger clothes and the only thing I hate more than shopping is … well, there’s nothing I hate more than shopping.  So I’ve  taken drastic measures.  I tied my wrists to a chair.  I tied my wrists to the arms of a chair and yelled “stop!”  Sort of.  Actually, I whispered it to myself.  In my head.  This morning.  I tied my wrists to the arms of a chair and whispered “stop!” right after I opened my desk drawer and ate some of the candy I’d stored up “in case of emergency.”

Non-stop eating was important but it wasn't the only activity keeping us busy.   We also participated in the popular sport of winter driving.   Abby & Jorge flew from the tropics of Ecuador and landed in a blizzard just before the airport was closed.  Our normally four-hour trip to the airport turned into a six hour drive over ice and snow.  And the usual four-hour trip home took over seven, not counting an unexpected overnight stay in Cheyenne because the interstate closed partway home.  

I took my job as navigator very seriously on this drive and kept Dean alert to all driving hazards by ceaselessly reminding him to “go slow…take your time…don’t rush…slow is good…let the idiots pass…they’ll end up in the ditch just like the other 11 cars we’ve already seen…”  We all really wanted to be home but it was probably a good thing the interstate closed because staying in Cheyenne also gave Abby’s tongue time to heal in preparation for the next day when she got to listen to me “help” Dean again.

Even with the heater blasting in the car, Jorge spent most of the time on the ride home like this:  

But it only took a few days for him to transform  – like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis – and take off the coat he had been wearing inside the house.

After that, the possibilities were endless.  Before we knew it he was out in the cold and snow shredding and sledding with the best of them. 

If you want to see videos of the action you can go here.

Of course all that “skiing” and sledding worked up an appetite which resulted in, yes, even more eating. 
The expansion of my belly over the past month or so has been a bit disheartening.  It’s hard to ignore a protruding belly, which means I’ve been spending more time thinking about why it’s become larger and flabbier which reminds me of cookies, and cakes and pies and cheese and pretty much all kinds of food (except vegetables) which makes me hungry, which causes me to reach for those cookies and candies and cheese, which is why I finally had to tie my wrists to a chair. 

Gosh, I hope all this talk about food hasn’t ruined your well-intentioned “eat healthy” New Year’s resolution and sent you running to the kitchen where you are now squirting chocolate sauce into your mouth.   If you are slumped in the corner, chocolate dribbling down your chin, don’t despair, because you too can utilize my wrist-tying-food-limiting technique.  But before you do, here’s a tip:  using ribbon to tie your wrists is the most comfortable.  However, if you are out of ribbon, a plastic grocery bag twisted into a rope will substitute nicely.   And if you prefer something more secure, I just happen to know where you can get a fine pair of handcuffs.  

Wait a minute.  You didn’t REALLY think I tied both my wrists to the arms of a chair did you?  Of course I didn’t do that.  It was only one wrist.  It’s pretty much impossible to tie both wrists to separate chair arms without any kind of help.  And if I asked for help, that would mean I was admitting I had a problem.  And I don’t.  Just because I have perfected the “one-armed-sneak-food-and-eat-undetected” technique is not an indicator that I need a food intervention.  Although it does mean I’m dragging a chair behind me everywhere I go … which is causing some issues with the walls … and it’s scaring the cats …

I need a smaller chair.



Abby said...

I may need to try that technique, I've been having a lot of cheese and cookie cravings since I've been home.

Art Elser said...

Well, Cathy, I have a sure fire way to reduce, but you don't want to even know what it is. I tried it last January, lost 25 pounds, and I've only gained back 10.

But now I'm eating like a rabbit, a very thin rabbit. And I wash the rabbit food down with lots of meds and lots of H2O. Of course snow is H2O, just don't eat the yellow kind. :-)

Love your sense of humor. I wondered about your trip back to Casper during that bad storm.