A Rose By Any Other Name

“I hope I don’t *art during my exercise class.” 

Not that I haven’t.  More than once unfortunately.  But I’m much better at covering it up now.  Way better than I was in my first pilates class when I pretty much just froze in mid-move, mortified, hoping nobody had heard the little spurt of air, but knowing everybody had.  Now I just keep moving and make no eye contact. 

I did not write “I hope I don’t *art during my exercise class.”  Well, technically I did write it, but I was just copying it from something I read recently.  But I had been reading so quickly that when I got to that sentence, I’d missed the asterisk.  Wha?  Art?  In an exercise class?   That just doesn’t make sense.  Ohhhhhhhh …. FART!  You hope you don’t FART during your exercise class!  Now THAT makes sense.

I’m guessing this person didn’t want to write anything vulgar or tactless so they thought sticking in an asterisk would absolve them of any offensive responsibility.  But when I read this supposedly non-offensive sentence, I still said the word fart in my head.  I didn’t say to myself, “I hope I don’t asterisk art in my exercise class.”  I said fart.  I said the word this person was trying to save me from.  So what’s the point of the asterisk?   

There are quite a few socially unacceptable words and we all have words that personally offend us.  There are words I wouldn’t use when writing or even speaking.  Like ass.  I really don’t like the word ass.  And I NEVER (almost never) use the eff word.  I don’t even like hearing it.  I’m not in love with the word fart either but I do use it on occasion.  Still, I wouldn’t write, “I really need to get off my *ss and get to the gym but I sure hope I don’t *art during my exercise class.”  Because I know anyone who read that would fill in the asterisk with the missing letter.  So if I truly didn’t want to be offensive I wouldn’t use those words, with or without the asterisk.  I would just write “I really need to get to the gym and I hope I don’t regret eating those beans for lunch today.”  Or I could write, “I really hope my derrière doesn’t burp while I’m at the gym exercising.” That says the same thing the person I read was saying but doesn’t offend anybody because there are no asterisks to replace.

Anyway, I hope this person who wrote about farting during their exercise class got through it without expelling any intestinal gas.  I can empathize with their butt burping fear because, *amn it! now I'm in the same boat as them.  I ate this today so tomorrow I’m going to have to get my *ss to the gym and hope I don’t *art while I’m on that *ucking elliptical machine.    

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A Rose By Any Other Name