Thursday, October 18, 2012

Modulation Is The Key

Some days I feel like my head is so overflowing with fears and uncertainties that I leave a scattering of these anxieties in my wake every time I move.  Lately they have been finding their way to this blog.  I feel like recently I’ve been writing one whining self-absorbed post after another.  Unfortunately, I don’t seem able to seal the chinks these worries have been trickling through, so once they’re out they’re able to tenaciously claw their way back in.   It’s kind of like those creepy Boxelder bugs.  No matter how many I sucked into the shop vac or plucked and drowned, there were always more to replace them.  

For weeks I’ve been feeling stressed from worrying (Dean would say obsessing) about painters and plumbers and floor installers and bugs and scary lawn tractors and ripping off wallpaper and painting and watering systems and maintaining two houses and utility arrangements and septic systems and propane tanks and an ever-growing to-do list and ….  and … and …  Here’s the thing, though.  If I’m going to be truly honest with myself, and you, I think most days the source of my distress is really just one thing — change.  This looming change called retirement.  Retirement and all the adjustments and uncertainties it will bring.  Like not only leaving a home filled with memories and moving to a house I’m still unsure of, but moving to a whole new town and all the unknowns that will come with it.  Like wondering how, when I AM finally retired, I will fill my days once I’ve sent Dean off with his honey-do list, plus the uncertainty about whether or not he will complete it.  Change is hard for me; and even though I wanted these changes all of them they scare me.

However, I know that someday all of these changes, which I am both welcoming and fighting, will no longer be upsetting.  I know someday the unknown will be the known.  I know someday I will seal the cracks and those worries won’t have access to my brain anymore.  Just like someday I will replace those leaky windows and those Boxelder bugs will no longer have access to my house. 

In the meantime, I am going to try to see beyond my fear of change and embrace the opportunities and challenges it will bring. 

I am going to try hard to force my worries into that shop vac, and instead of focusing on pesky bugs I am going to open my eyes to the beauty around me.  

I am going to trust this new path will lead me toward new and exciting adventures. 

 I am going to try to take the time to appreciate what I have been given  ...

like the squeeze of a hug ...

 and the warmth of a smile.

I am going to try hard to treasure ……. the music of life.**

**"The Music of life" is a link to click on if it doesn't look like one.  I HATE the new Blogger updates!



Abby said...

Maybe you should become a writer when you retire.

Nice video, I'm glad I don't live in that house ;-)

Leslie said...

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days before I wrote a comment. It gave me a lot to think about and was a good reminder for me as well as my kids grow up.

Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

All the fears of retirement are normal. It's much like the first day at a new job or the first day of school. But we all find the ability to so there because that's the flow of life. Many are busier in a grand way after retirement.
You are right to cherish all that's around you.

Art Elser said...

Somehow I missed this blog of yours, Cathy, with all it's worry and beautiful picture of your family. Sorry.

I've retired twice now, once from the Air Force after 20 years and then from tech writing after another 30. After the first retirement, the hardest adjustment was trying to figure out what to wear to work.

Afte the second retirement, the hardest adjustment was not having to walk the half mile to the bus stop every morning.

I retired at 72 and wondered why I didn't do it much earlier. The beauty of retirement is that there are no rules. You do what makes you happy and you don't worry--uh oh, that will probably give you something to worry about--and just have fun. Send Dean off fishing or go with him.

I like Abby's suggestion that you consider becoming a writer. There's a terrific group of Wyoming writers called Wyoming Writers Inc, and a great group of writers in Sheridan, Range Writers.