Sunday, November 1, 2009

How Do You Know?

The past week or so I've been mentally off.  I've been kind of cranky.  I've been sleeping more.  I've been tired.  Little things have been annoying me.....more than usual.  Was it the never-ending cloudy days we've had all of October?  Or was it the way-too-early-even-for-Wyoming snow that I would have been excited to see in December but I complained vociferously about each time I saw a flake fall. 

This is the view when at least a portion of the interstate opened after being closed three days last week after the big snow 
and the trucks are re-routed through our city.  This steady stream  of semis continued for at least two hours that I know of.

Could it have been the fact that I spent most evenings in the past week using my grandma's Featherweight sewing machine (I hate sewing on a machine) to finish Myra's quilt. 

Now all I have to do is quilt it.

Maybe it was those pesky hormones rearing their ugly heads? Dang them! Or ...... what if I am I just .... CRAZY?  

This morning the sun is shining brightly and there is no wind......yet. I'm getting closer to feeling human again. I'm getting closer to being that carefree, chatty, goofy, cheerful ray of sunshine everybody around me expects. Wait, that would mean I'd totally transformed into Cheer Bear. Okay, maybe I'm not always chatty, I'm rarely carefree and if I'm goofy it's not on purpose...but I did talk at breakfast this morning and I haven't complained about or been annoyed by anything this morning--yet. This morning I marched right up to Dean and gave him a big hug.  When he took a small step back and looked at me warily with raised eyebrows I realized I'd better confess to him that I'd been a bit off but I was better now. I compared myself to a bad apple.  Apparently he'd noticed my offness because he said I'd been more like a piece of meat that sat out too long.

However, why was it that yesterday when the sun came out, the skies were blue, the air warmed up and the snow melted, I didn't instantly shed that bad meat aura and become a shiny, tart red apple?  (Even on my best days I would never be a sweet apple). Instead, I still felt like I was in a cold, slimy cave peering out at the sun and not sure I wanted to make the effort to crawl out far enough to actually feel it. If I didn't perk up once the sun came out does that mean I am crazy or hormonal or just too rotten to be salvaged?

How do I know which it is? If it's the lack of sun, in January, February and March, when Dean tells me he "has S-A-D" I won't be able to roll my eyes and tell him to "get over it" anymore and I'll be forced to admit I was wrong all those times I told him he was making it up.  I'll have to project understanding and empathy which will cause more stress in my life---like trying to change my whole personality into one that includes traits of understanding, empathy and sympathy.  I can feel my blood pressure rise just thinking about it.   Not only that but I'll have to convince myself there really is a disease that makes you nutso when the sun doesn't shine.  Then I'll have to empathize with myself because I can't control the stupid feelings and that will be close to impossible.  Oh, I can empathize and sympathize with myself til the cows come home.  But believe I don't have control over everything---no way.  Can you see it? Dean s-a-dly shuffling around, hangdog look on his face, broken up with occasional sparks of hope in his eyes when I empathetically ask him how he's doing and then the hang-dog look again when I tell him to get control of himself and suck it up. It's just too s-a-d.

If the past days of glumness have been due to the torture I subjected myself to by using a sewing machine (because hand piecing the borders on Myra's quilt would have taken two lifetimes) I can remedy that by keeping the machine in it's special case tucked away in the back of the closet.

If it's hormones or a diagnosis of crazy, there is no hope because there is no cure.   And if it's hormones I might think I should start eating more chocolate to make myself feel better and then I'll have to go to the gym more and spend more time on the elliptical and I hate the elliptical so then I'll  be cranky because I hate the elliptical but I'll eat more chocolate to make myself feel better.  And just thinking about it has made me eat four bite-size Snicker candies left from last night's Halloween candy.  Oh, please don't let it be hormones! 

Myra seemed to exhibit similar symptoms to mine Saturday morning after she, Pierce and Emerson had spent Friday night at our house. 

Nothing was going right for her.  She didn't want pancakes, she wanted juice, no! she wanted milk, no! she wanted water.  She wanted the toy Pierce was playing with (who refused to give it up), she didn't like the placement of her chair at breakfast.  She was just generally off and not happy-go-lucky, goofy little Myra.  

Pierce and Emerson were happily forking down pancakes when Myra stood in the kitchen, brushing her red, bedhead hair out of her eyes, screwed up her face, took a big breath and said, "I'm angry ... I'm really angry ...   I'm just fwus ... I'm frush..." and then finally with a big rush of air, "I'm frustrated!" 

This blog writing thing always takes me forever and it's a rare day I sit down and type one post without hours or days passing in between the beginning and end of the post.  Six hours after I started this post I'm beginning to feel progressively less rotten-meaty and more red appley.  Even the animals have been soaking up the sun and seem more relaxed. 

So I'm going to tell myself it's not the hormones and I'm not really crazy--not crazy as a loon anyway. I'm going to tell myself it's the lack of sunshine and bright blue skies that turned me into that stinky chunk of meat.  By the end of the day I plan to be a delicious cinnamon and raisin filled baked apple.  And it won't get the best of me ever again!



abby rose said...

I think Lily may have indulged in too much chocolate and not enough elliptical, she is one fat cat.

So does this mean Dad will be getting some empathy come January?

Art Elser said...

Cathy, have you considered that perhaps you are normally crazy and had a bad spell of sanity? I've heard that sometimes happens. I think it's called temporary sanity.

Working for the government can sure make you permanently crazy. Twenty-four years in the AF gives me some experience in that area.

Al said...

If it is any consolation, I have been off this past week, too. Still off this morning. The weather didn't help, nor did the time change or buying all that candy just to get one trick-or-treater (well, two, but one visit). And that's just the stuff I can talk about on a public blog!

It was just a bad week, Cathy. I'll bring chocolate Tuesday.